too popular these days. Especially with the coverage being dictated from Speedway Blvd in Daytona.
During Truck Series Practice, Good Old Jabber Jaws said we’d be seeing a lot of Jeff Gordon. And he was right. It was part of the coverage policy dictated by Faux King Brian. He also said then and during the truck race and Cup race that he was planning to run one more race. And folks are upset with Mark Martin not retiring?
Part of the pre-race babbling from the Booth Buffoons mentioned that Elliott Sadler had slipped a disc during his fitness workout and made it worse by trying to engage in some sports afterwards. I can sympathize with Elliott as I’m missing 3 discs and have one that’s herniated.
Another part of the pre-race babbling came from the Hollyweird Motel with Myers (I kid because I’m an idiot) making a pitch for the upcoming Talladega race. If they’re doing this from the Hollyweird Motel, that tells me that they’re having a tough time selling tickets for the Dega race. And as dictated by Faux King Brian, we had a mandatory shot of Montoya, the Diversity Program poster boy.
The Invocation was another infomercial rather than a prayer. But you had to give it to the Highty Tighties on their performance of the National Anthem. Great job folks. Definitely worth two thumbs up. And I’ve got to give it to the DLP crew and one other crew for holding flags during the National Anthem. Great job guys. Too bad the rest of the folks on pit road don’t do the same.
Before they got to the start command, they went back to the Hollyweird Motel for some more shilling my Myers for the damned Gopher shirt. Then another dumb thing with “What’s your favorite car part”. Fox’s way of making fun of Roush and the sway bar incident. When they discussed the sway bar incident, DW was doing all he could to protect his fellow co-owner of Motormouth Motorsports with lame excuses and was practically laughing at Jack Roush. Hollyweird Hambone got to drop the green flag and did a much better job than what Jabber Jaws did. Hambone actually looked like he belonged there. Maybe he should move to being a flagman instead of doing the Hollyweird Motel thing.
You could see plenty of empty seats and Mike Joy was quick to make the excuse that they’d sold more tickets than there were fans present. If that was so, why were the back straight seats covered in advertising banners? The weather only accounts for so many empty seats. This is yet another sign that I$C needs to get on the ball and make some changes to their ticket prices and fan amenities if they want to get some fans back in the grandstands. Lower the ticket prices so fans can afford to buy the gasoline to get to the tracks.
Jeff Gordon was sitting on the pole with Denny Hamlin on the outside. Jabber Jaws couldn’t even wait for the green flag or the first caution to give Denny a call on the parade lap simply because Denny was the top qualifying Toyota. Once the green flag dropped, Hamlin pulled away for a slight lead on the 1st lap. The first 6 cars were running single file and from 7th on back they were running side by side. Kenny Schrader was off to the best start he’s had in a long time with a new sponsor and new make of car. By Lap 2, Jeff Gordon had gotten around Hamlin and taken the lead. Once in the lead, he pulled away from Hamlin just like with every other Uni-Car race we’ve seen this year with the leader pulling away early in a run.
On Lap 16, Montoya tried to squeeze Mike Skinner down the track. This was a little bit early for this kind of thing. On Lap 21, we got the 1st Caution when Kurt Busch (who likes sway bars) spun out his brother Kyle and in the process collected the #96 car. While most of the front runners stayed out on the track, some of the teams running towards the back pitted to make some changes on their cars as the difference in temperatures between qualifying and race day were giving them fits. One of the cars that pitted, Bill Elliott was nailed for a Commitment Line violation and he would never recover from this.
When they restarted on Lap 24, Jeff Gordon took off and Jamie McMurray was hanging with him. Then it was off to commercial programming on Lap 34 before it was rudely interrupted when they returned on Lap 43. We didn’t have to wait long for a caution because on the next lap, Caution #2 came out when Skinner slid up the track into Robby Gordon and spun them both out. During the ensuing pit stops, Jr. came off pit road first with Bobby Labonte coming out 2nd. Of course, you could hear the Booth Buffoons wetting their pants as they went into cheerleading mode for Jr. as per the Daytona Coverage Dictates which said that Jr. and Hendrick Motorsports would be one of the 5 stories covered this year.
We didn’t get very far when on Lap 58, Caution #3 came out when Almirola got into 2nd place Bobby Labonte. Almirola would be the cause of or involved in several on-track incidents during the course of the race. It was back to commercials on Lap 60 and they interrupted the commercials on Lap 64 by returning to the race. When they did show a car, it was Jeff Gordon’s car which had ran into the back of somebody causing some damage to the nose of his car. You could hear Jabber Jaws concern and worry as he had said we’d be seeing a lot of Jeff Gordon during the race. Jr. maintained the lead off of pit road with Mears in 2nd and Johnson in 3rd. Old Jabber Jaws was beside himself cheerleading because the Hendrick cars were running 1st through 3rd. There were 39 cars on the lead lap at this point and it would get even smaller as the race progressed.
We wouldn’t get very far because on Lap 69, Caution #4 came out when Reed Sorenson spun and collected Bill Elliott in the process. It was off for some more commercials which were interrupted with the cars coming out of Turn #4 on Lap 72 so they could restart on Lap 73. Things were going along and we could hear the Network Nitwits talking about a battle for 18th but they only showed one car. Great battle there guys. Then on Lap 88, it was back to commercial programming only to be interrupted on Lap 98 when they returned to the race. While they were at commercial, Jimmy Johnson had gotten around Mears for 2nd place. Jr. was still leading. But as is the norm with the Fox-ed up coverage, they didn’t bother showing the pass.
On Lap 100, they were showing a shot from Cousin Carl’s roof cam and you could clearly see that there was rain coming down. But this was conveniently being ignored by both Mr. Magoo, head NA$CAR official, and the Network Nitwits. On Lap 102, Johnson passed Jr. for the lead. Then just 4 laps later, Caution #5 came out when Sam Hornish Jr. got into J.J. Yeley who in turn collected Mike Skinner. When Johnson was heading for the pits, the Booth Buffoons were quick to offer up the excuse that Johnson had an uneven pit stall, just in case something bad happened during his pit stop. We can’t be having the Hendrick boys not being shown in a good light now can we DW? Also during the pit stops, Skinner and Kvapil got into each other, but the Network Nitwits didn’t figure it was worth showing as neither is one of the Chosen Ones to receive coverage per the Daytona Dictates.
Around Lap 108, we got a dose of the Hollyweird Motel with the normal Master of the Obvious statements, a replay of how the pits were selected, and yada yada yada. They finally showed the pit road incident before the restart on Lap 111. By Lap 113, Kurt Busch had gone down 2 laps. They finally mentioned Jeremy Mayfield being in the pits and being penalized for exiting too fast. Jeremy was in the pits because of a battery problem and installation of a new battery. On Lap 117, Robby Gordon went a lap down. The field was pretty jumbled up making it hard to tell who was where or for anyone to pass. Then it was back to commercial on Lap 118. When they returned on Lap 123, they had missed the restart. Luckily for them, Caution #8 came out when Paul Menard hit The Beak and The Beak got turned by Almirola. Luckily there wasn’t much debris as they restarted on Lap 124. You could clearly see that there was rain on the camera and knew that NA$CAR was just trying to get to Lap 251 so they could call it an official race.
Greg Biffle had started dead last because of an engine change and by Lap 126 had moved up to 9th. On Lap 127, the Booth Buffoons were going on about a battle for 5th place but only showed Kyle Busch’s car per the Royal Dictates of Coverage. David Ragan, who had been called a dart without feathers the year before by Tony Stewart, was hanging in the Top 10 as was teammate Jamie McMurray. The Network Nitwits kept showing Kyle Busch every chance they got until Tony Stewart got behind Jeff Gordon and then they were able to kill two birds with one stone on the mandated coverage. Mike Joy decided to chime in with the dreaded Vortex Theory, worn out by Jabber Jaws many years ago, and rain in the forecast. Then it was back to commercials on Lap 141.
When they returned on Lap 153, they started to talk about a great battle going on for 6th place. Well, if the great battle was Jeff Gordon fighting himself, then that’s what it was because his car was the only one shown in the great battle. Things had pretty well sorted themselves out and there was a lot of single file racing going on with 27 cars on the lead lap. Not much was going til Lap 161 when Jr. passed Jimmy Johnson. Or at least there wasn’t much being shown until then. You’ve just got to love only 12 cars being shown per race out of the 43 that start. And since things were a little slow according to the coverage we were being presented, the Booth Buffoons got into another one of their shills because of Jr’s pass combining Jr’s sponsor and the blasted Gophercam. Then it was off to commercial. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 174, it was back to the Hendrick Love Fest brought to you by Fox-ed up coverage.
The race didn’t interrupt the commercials for very long when on Lap 181, Caution #7 came out for a bumper bar on the track, which they showed. They went to a 4-way split on the pit stops. Johnson came off pit road 1st, Jr. was 2nd, Hamlin 3rd, and Gordon 4th. Then it was back to commercials again until they returned on Lap 188. Kyle Busch tried making it 3 wide coming off of pit road only to go behind the inside retaining wall on the back straight. On Lap 191, the Network Nitwits were carrying on about how they were racing just to get to the half-way point so the race could be called official. On the tack, Hamlin, Jr., and Gordon were battling for 2nd place.
On Lap 198, Bill Elliott spun again bringing out Caution #8, so it was back to commercials yet again. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 203, they put in a plug for the traditional Martinsville hot dog, made fun of some folks who ate a bunch of them, and mentioned that Robby Gordon was the Lucky Dog. When they restarted on Lap 205, Hamlin and Johnson took off and were battling for the lead. The Booth Buffoons were going on about Toyota and short tracks and then followed this up with the Toyota Top performers. Can’t be letting Toyota not get their $93 million worth now can we?
Once again, we didn’t get very far along when on Lap 214, we got yet another caution when Ken Schrader got turned around by Elliott Sadler. You could clearly see rain on the roof cams shots and the Booth Buffoons first said there was no rain and immediately contradicted themselves by saying there was rain. Denny Hamlin made an unscheduled pit stop which was immediately questioned by the Toyota shill in the broadcast booth since Denny returned and would restart in 19th position. There were still 23 cars on the lead lap with Matt Kenseth getting the Lucky Dog this time around.
When we got to Lap 227, the Network Nitwits were pretty good about blocking the screen with a graphic showing where the Hendrick cars were running. On Lap 230, Jr. said on the radio “the son of a bitch don’t drive right”. Then it was back to commercials on Lap 231. When they returned on Lap 242, Johnson was in 1st, Jr. was in 2nd, and Gordon in 4th. With great fanfare, the Booth Buffoons announced on Lap 253 that we were half-way through the race. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t half of 500 250? Maybe it’s some kind of new math I’m not familiar with.
Jimmy Johnson was getting ready to lap Kyle Busch on Lap 258 and we got to hear Jabber Jaws start making excuses for Kyle and his Toyota. 3 laps later, we got Caution #10 when Sam Hornish Jr. apparently spun himself out. Surprisingly, they showed some pit stops and when they restarted on Lap 266, Johnson still had the lead, Gordon had moved up to 2nd, and Jr. was in 3rd. Naturally, the Commentating Clowns couldn’t leave well enough alone and were once again drooling over the Hendrick cars running 1-2-3. The next lap, Jeff Burton got around Jr. to take over 3rd and you could hear the sadness in DW’s voice. On Lap 269, Jeff Gordon got around Johnson and took the lead.
Then on Lap 272, we were once again under caution when Kvapil turned Carpentier. They immediately cut back to commercials and interrupted them on Lap 277 just in time for the restart. On Lap 281, Jr. passed Johnson for 2nd place. Then come Lap 282, we see Kyle Busch’s car heading to the garage area. They decided to play the audio and you could hear Kyle say “Broke the rear gear. Shut up. Broke the transmission or rear gear”. Apparently, the Network Nitwits needed to explain to us what a rear gear looked like when it broke and how it broke from wheel hop with a little show and tell from Hollyweird Hambone. 4 laps later, big brother Kurt went behind the wall.
Then on Lap 288, Robby Gordon hit the curb and hit Carpentier, and Newman and Kenseth got collected. Then it was back to commercial once again and they returned just in time to catch the restart on Lap 293. On Lap 294, Jr. and Jeff Gordon were battling for the lead. But this action wouldn’t last long when on Lap 296, Caution #13 came out. Biffle had got into Newman who in turn got into Johnson, and Reed Sorenson. Kurt Busch, who had returned to the track at some point, hopped the curb trying to avoid the wreck and damaged his car. Biffle ended up getting the Lucky Dog. On Lap 300, the Network Nitwits thought it was important to show us Kyle sitting in his car while the rear end gear was being replaced.
When they restarted on Lap 301, Jr. was 1st, Gordon was 2nd, McMurray was in 3rd, and Burton was in 4th. Jr. was able to put some distance between himself and Gordon thanks to the help of some lapped cars. Of course, you knew we couldn’t go long without another caution. Caution #14 came out for 2 separate incidents that happened at the same time. Kenseth got into Robby Gordon and Almirola got into Mikey spinning him around. We had 26 cars on the lead lap and we were back to commercial programming on Lap 310.
Since they didn’t have the lap counter up, it was hard to say when they came back. The Hollyweird Motel had Myers say that Kyle Busch was unable to finish and how this would drop him down in the points while showing another shot of Kyle in his car. When they restarted on Lap 316, Jr. was leading with Gordon in 2nd, McMurray in 3rd, Burton in 4th, and Stewart in 5th. Lap 325 saw Gordon trying to get around Jr. for the lead and we heard from the Booth Buffoons that Gordon was complaining about not being able to do the “bump and run” with the new car. We wouldn’t get much racing in as we got Caution #15 when Kenseth got spun by Gilliland. Stewart, Sadler, The Beak, Skinner, Montoya, and Kenseth all hit the pits. You could see that Kenseth had some major front end damage from his incident as the team pulled away the two pieces of the front splitter.
On Lap 329, Jabber Jaws was blabbering about “the sucker hole”. Normally, we hear about the sucker hole at restrictor plate tracks, so the only thing I could figure was that Jabber Jaws was talking about the announcing booth being the sucker hole because of the suckers sitting in it.
When they restarted on Lap 337, you could see Kyle Busch was back on the track but not moving very fast as he went towards the pits. Toyota shill DW expressed some concerns about it. Then we went back to more commercial programming on Lap 339. When they returned on Lap 349, Jr. and Gordon had pulled away from McMurray. DW couldn’t keep quiet long enough when on Lap 356, he said that Gordon’s car was good on the short run after saying earlier in the race his car was bad on the short runs. On Lap 356, Jeff Burton got around Jamie McMurray. We didn’t get to see it happen, but somewhere around this point Robby Gordon went into the garage with a rear end gear problem. Scott Riggs was also in the garage, but no reason was given for why.
Caution #16 came out when Matt Kenseth decided to exact some payback on Gilliland and spun him out. DW was sarcastically cackling about there wasn’t enough down force because the splitter was missing and the brake ducts were messed up. Kenseth was forced to pit for a 2 lap rough driving penalty then they went back to commercial. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap366, Dave Blaney had stayed out to get some points, but set himself up as a sitting duck. When they restarted, Blaney had problems taking off and wasn’t moving forward like the Toyota ad says. He had some sort of electrical problem. Larry Mac was screaming about The Beak and Jeff Gordon racing each other. Then on Lap 370, Gordon got passed him. Almirola’s car was smoking something fierce on Lap 383 and Blaney went to the garage. While they were back in their commercial programming, Caution #17 came out for Reed Sorenson’s transmission. Hamlin, Gordon, Jr., McMurray, Johnson, and Bowyer made pit stops while Burton, Vickers, Cousin Carl, and Mears stayed out. Of course, when they checked in with the pit reporter on why Johnson had come in, he replied “because the 48 didn’t have enough Sunoco to stay out”.
The race restarted on Lap 391. Two laps later, Robby Gordon was shown as being back in the race but there was no mention of him returning. On Lap 401, Schrader’s car was smoking pretty bad. The Booth Buffoons kept going on about smelling rear end grease. I had to wonder about this since the rear end grease they use in the booth is to keep their backsides from getting chafed from squirming around in their seats when they’re cheerleading. On the next Lap, Caution #18 came out because Schrader was dropping real rear end grease on the track. Then it was back to commercial programming which was interrupted yet again by some pesky racing on Lap 408.
The Booth Buffoons were busy discussing gas mileage and how some folks couldn’t make it to the end. A replay of the truck race the day before. Larry Mac, not screaming this time, said that at Martinsville they get 3 laps under caution versus 1 lap under green flag racing for gas mileage. When they went back to green on Lap 409, the Network Nitwits mentioned that the Mikey and Robby were back on the track. Jeff Burton was complaining that he could still feel oil on the track and Scott Riggs returned to the track.
Sorenson returned on Lap 414 and with Hamlin moving up, the Toyota cheer-a-thon went into overdrive from the Commentating Clowns. Two laps later, Hamlin got by Cousin Carl. 3 laps after that, Hamlin got by Vickers. Jabber Jaws was worried that the Hendrick cars were running 5th through 8th places. On Lap 421, Edwards got by Vickers. 3 laps after that, Hamlin caught Burton and they were going back and forth for the lead. Hamlin got the inside and forced Burton up the track and got the lead on Lap 426. 2 laps later, Jr. got by Gordon and you could hear Jabber Jaws moaning in ecstasy. Since we were having too many laps of exciting racing, they went to commercial on Lap 431 and didn’t interrupt the commercials until Lap 442. Kenny Schrader returned to the track on Lap 445. The Hendrick cars were running 4th through 7th positions and you’d have thought Jabber Jaws had achieved, well, never mind. Too graphic a description. On Lap 450, Jeff Gordon got by Jr. once again. By Lap 454, there were only 22 cars on the lead lap. Then we hear from the Network Nitwits that they smell rear end grease once again and they couldn’t decide if it was Newman or The Beak. Jabber Jaws also said “ we’ll go down here to about 30 laps to go before we have a caution”.
Then it was back to commercial programming on Lap 464. When they came back on Lap 473, there was no need to figure out who was having the problem with the rear end leaking as The Beak took his care to the garage area. 4 laps later, Larry Mac once again shilled for the fuel provider by asking if “they can make it to the end cause they’re low on Sunoco fuel”. Because we were obviously having some racing going on and enjoying it, things were once again Fox-ed up when they flashed an Owners Points graphic which took up half the screen. They decided to show the garage area on Lap 485 and you could see the fire dept in the garage area by The Beak’s car. Larry Mac made a funny saying that removed any doubt about who had the rear end problem. When they cut back to the track, the Double Nothing car was holding up both Cousin Carl and Jeff Burton. This would prompt Burton to make some remarks about it after the race.
On Lap 488, Jeff Gordon got by Cousin Carl. 2 laps later, Burton, Gordon, and Cousin Carl got by the Double Nothing car. I guess Mr. Magoo must’ve finally seen that the Double Nothing was holding up traffic and gave him the move over flag. On Lap 492, the Double Nothing spun, but didn’t bring out a caution like similar spins had earlier in the race. Gotta love the consistency in the calls. Jabber Jaws wasn’t done with his Hendrick cheerleading when he said in reference to Jeff Gordon “I guarantee you he’ll get there”.
On Lap 495, the Double Nothing was black flagged because he was driving around the track on his rims. You could hear Jabber Jaws approaching having sticky pants as Jeff Gordon was catching up to Hamlin. But it was too little too late as Hamlin took the checkered flag. Cousin Carl ran out of gas and ended up finishing 9th. Of course, with the less than spectacular Fox-ed coverage, they had to go to replay to show the cars coming across the finish line and Cousin Carl’s car coasting across.
With Kyle Busch not having a very spectacular day despite Jabber Jaws cheerleading, Jeff Burton took over the points lead. The Biff dropped back to 3rd. In a post race interview, Jeff Burton said “That ‘00' (Michael McDowell) is going to learn some manners, or I'm going to teach him some." Somehow I get the feeling Jeff wasn’t going to be sending McDowell any Christmas cards.
They went to the Hollyweird Motel and Hollyweird
Hambone was talking about Texas and how the
battle would be between Hendrick and Toyota.
Just like the Royal Coverage Dictates would have
him say. Myers said “ We wish Dick Trickle a
speedy recovery. I just wanted to say Dick
Trickle because it’s an entertaining name and a
fun driver“. I hope that when Dick is back on his
feet, he has a few words with the Moron Myers.
Or maybe use Myers as a hood ornament.
Eddie Gossage must be expecting trouble next
weekend because he offered TMS up for a tire
test to NA$CAR and Badyear and neither took
him up on the offer, so he’s got his backside
covered when things do go wrong. According to my buddy Dave down in Texas, ticket sales aren’t that hot, so you can probably expect to see just as many empty seats this year as we did last year.
And let’s give a round of applause to the Air Force Reservists at Charleston AFB SC on their helping to deliver school and medical supplies to the island of Dominica in the Caribbean. Considering how much help Dominica isn’t getting from their neighbors to the south, this shows once again just how compassionate the US can be to those in need.
Motherhood, Apple Pie, & John Wayne
Mad Mikie
Curmudgeon at Large
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