at the whim and whimsy of any and all NA$CAR officials. Complaints about the changes in any of these rules or traditions shall be taken seriously and result in actions being taken against those who complain.
Complaints about the enforcement or lack of enforcement of these rules is strictly prohibited.
Complaints shall be dealt with in any variety of manner. Removal of credentials, use of phony penalties either in the garage and/or on the track, or other forms of punishment and/or harassment will be used and encouraged by officials to remind participants, members of the media, and fans in general that despite you paying for the price of admission to Brian‘s Three Ring Circus, also known as a NA$CAR race, we reserve the right to change the rules whenever we please.
Any driver or team owner who complains will find that they could have their $250,000 race car confiscated as payment for failure to obey our rules regarding talking to fans, drivers, members of the media, other owners, or lawyers in regards to our making you shut your mouth. In addition, we can levy bogus fines, dock you driver and owner points, and otherwise make your life a living hell.
NA$CAR, and it’s conjoined incestuous twin, reserve the right to pilfer, abscond with, remove, take, steal, abduct, capture, cop, filch, hook, kidnap, lift, loot, mooch, nick, pirate, plunder, purloin, seize, rustle, shanghai, snare, snatch, and swipe any and all sponsors a team might have. The sponsors are solely for the entertainment use of NA$CAR and it’s conjoined incestuous twin and to be thoroughly bilked of every dollar they have.
NA$CAR, and it’s conjoined incestuous twin, also reserve the right to pilfer, abscond with, remove, take, steal, abduct, capture, cop, filch, hook, kidnap, lift, loot, mooch, nick, pirate, plunder, purloin, seize, rustle, shanghai, snare, snatch, and swipe any and all funds and/or monies found in the pockets, purses, and/or wallets found on race fans. This is solely for the entertainment use of NA$CAR and it’s conjoined incestuous twin and to ensure every fan is to be thoroughly bilked of every dollar they have.
Protest for the above procedures may be sent in triplicate to 1801 Speedway Blvd in Daytona Beach only after they have been shredded at least twice.
Any ideas of cost containment, maintaining costs, or reducing cost to the team owners, drivers, and race fans, heretofore known as suckers, shall be submitted in the same format as the protest procedures.
Our products are the best they are even when found to be faulty, disfigured, mutilated, unserviceable, totally worthless or useless, or a complete and total sham. Statements to the contrary by a driver, team owner, promoter, track owner (with the exception of I$C) and/or member of the media shall call for, as a minimum, removal of credentials, fines, and any other form of harassment permissible under the laws of the United States and as protected under the United States Codes (USC). Any and all loopholes you hope for are closed and not permitted by NA$CAR, I$C, or any other instrument of this company. Tuba and soprano saxophone excluded.
Enjoy your stay here, make sure you seat belt is fastened and your tray table is in the upright and locked position, never go outside with wet hair or you’ll catch cold, and thank you once again for being taken on a ride by NA$CAR, your home for the only automobile racing series which follows the rules of the sports entertainment industry. And when in Daytona, be sure to stay at the wonderful Chart House, home of great “sodas” and palm trees that don’t complain when you run them over. Have a great race.
Normally I like to close out with something to the troops, but with the recent floods in the Mid-West and the lack of coverage, I think they need a little recognition for what they're doing. They haven’t screamed for federal assistance, they haven’t complained it was the President’s fault they got flooded out, haven’t gotten the media coverage a certain city got, and they stoically did what they had to do to preserve and save life and property . Keep them in your prayers and God bless them all. They're a shining example of what this country is supposed to be about.
Motherhood, Apple Pie, and John Wayne
Mad Mikie
Curmudgeon at Large
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